Hello Grandmother,

It’s long past time for me to begin your education. The vampires may run this world, and the robots may be tearing it down, but none of them can stop you from preparing yourself for when they come at you. You’re going to need to be ready, and it’s about time I began your training in how to defend yourself.

To begin with, I’m going to give you the best methods to take down a vampire. Most vampires use a type of sunscreen that allows them a limited mobility during the day, but most aren’t going to be wearing it at night. So UV rays and any kind of high intensity UV light are going to be your best bets.

Wooden stakes through the heart are another strong positive although this method has two real weaknesses: 1) It’s hard to find the heart if you’re not used to stake (I mean this, be careful if you’re trying to stake a vampire, if you miss the heart you’re just making them madder), and 2) not all vampires are going to go poof when you kill them. Certainly a dead vampire is better than one that wants to eat you, but if you happen upon a vampire that’s going to turn into a pile of goo, clean up can be a real pain. Also, staking will, you know, kill a human, and you don’t want to be going to jail for staking a person, that’s just not cool.

Holy water and crosses will work on most western vampires (though not all), and most vampires have an aversion to holy ground of any religion. Garlic is surprisingly helpful, though you will wind up smelling of it if you wear it too long. Silver and salt are weakness that generally applies only to vampires turned before the 1800’s, though you’re probably not going to have the time to ask a vampire it’s age if it’s trying to kill you. And it would probably lie anyways.

So there’s the basics. At some point, I want to cover the psychology of an attacking vampire, but I think I’ll save that for another class. For now, use this advice sparingly and wisely.

-1159

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